DUD's and SUD's

The whole dating game has been complicated in the last few years by the proliferation of DUD’s ( Dual Universe Daters ); not so much a race as a sub-species.

In one universe the DUD is involved in a steady and generally long-term relationship, however they have evolved the ability to enter a parallel social sphere where they forget the aforementioned partner and believe they are single dating guys again.

Although you can observe DUD’s at almost any age they seem to be most prevalent in their 30’s. Generally they can be found late at night, in dark environments with a good drinking supply. Classic examples of DUD’s would be Jude Law and Olivier Martinez. As a rule almost all French and Italian men are DUD’s but the Irish are gaining significant ground. You can expect to find a lot of DUD’s this weekend in Dublin.

DUD’s are not to be confused with their distant relation, the SUD – Single Universe Dater. The SUD firmly believes in, and practices, monogamy and fidelity. Unfortunately SUD’s are as common as the pygmy rhino in northern Borneo. I know that SUD’s exist; I just couldn't produce one at short notice.

A few SUD’s can still be found in the wild, but the majority are held in captivity for breeding. So not much point getting yourself into a big lather about SUD’s, as you are unlikely to ever meet one.

It is crucial to be able to distinguish DUD’s from SUD’s when out on the dating scene, so watch out for the following;

a) DUD’s will act like a SUD and rarely carry any ornaments to indicate otherwise. Feel free to check wallets, pockets or tan lines on the left hand for evidence of origin.

b) DUD’s will lavish you with praise, as they have nothing to lose and can therefore go all out and not worry about appearing too keen too early.

c) DUD's can also appear slightly aloof as they already have a bird in the hand so if they don’t get one in the bush it doesn't matter.

Ironically, DUD’s can make you feel like the only woman in the world, when in fact you are, at best, number 2. A DUD will never, ever volunteer information on their other universe and are genetically unable to respond with a direct answer to the question – “So, are you seeing anyone?”

Watch out for the following evasions;
“Not really”
“What do you mean by seeing someone?”
“On and off ”

It is very simple, a bit like being pregnant, you either are or aren’t seeing someone, there is no in between.

Other responses may include;
“It’s complicated”
“My partner doesn’t understand me”

Great information but this is not Mensa and I do not provide a free counselling service, so please don’t plan to lie down on my couch.

The final and most commonly used response to the question is;
“Did I mention you have beautiful (insert feature)”
“Want another drink”

Deflection is a classic and generally successful tactic by the DUD and depending on the alcohol intake your question maybe successfully eluded until it is too late. So on the off chance that you are deflected simply write DUD on the back of your hand as a reminder to keep asking the question until you get a proper response. If you are too drunk to read the back of your hand then it really doesn’t matter if they are a DUD or a SUD.